Why does AARP want me so bad?!

Dear AARP,

Hi there. You don't know me (clearly... as I will painstakingly point out in this email) but my name is Jaimee. I am a

- female
- US citizen
- college educated
- voting
- gainfully employed
- pet owning
- renter
- with an income of more than ${okay, this is really none of your business}
- who doesn't own a car
- and has no dependents.

Nice to meet you. Now, the reason I am writing to you is this... I am also 37 YEARS OLD.

So please, for the love of God and all that is Holy, STOP SENDING ME AARP CARDS soliciting my membership!!

I wonder - do your current 50+ year-old members have any idea how much money you seem to be throwing away on the expensive marketing pieces (nice slick laminated AARP card, btw!) you REPEATEDLY send to people who are NOT IN YOUR qualified DEMOGRAPHIC? Seriously, this is the SECOND one I've received in less than a month. Where are you getting my mailing address from?? Do the people in your data center verify anything other than a valid mailing address?

If I were old enough to belong to AARP I would have serious misgivings about giving my hard earned retirement or pension money to a company too stupid to stop inviting people to become a member who are over a decade too young to even qualify. I'm going to tell my Dad to think twice before he renews his membership next year.

I mean, how much additional money is it costing you to process the non-qualifying applications of people you mistakenly send these expensive mails to? How much is your time, Mr or Mrs Email Reader, worth right now? Because, unless you are an automated response system, I know that your time is worth money - even if you delete this message instead of forwarding it to the CEO (which I highly recommend because I can't imagine they are aware of degree of incompetency demonstrated by your company's marketing department).

I sure hope things change before I turn 50 so I thoughtfully evaluate whether or not I should join your organization. Until then - STOP sending me these fucking cards!

Thanks and have a great day,

Jaimee

Mrs. Beasley

Mrs. Beasely was a doll that had a hard plastic face that I used to practice kissing when I was, like, 5 years old. I vividly remember getting so pissed off about something one day that I swung her by the feet and smashed her face in. It didn't break. Instead, she now looked like she forgot to put her teeth in.

Her glasses never fit quite right after that again, either. She ended up creeping me out so I threw her and opted for Malibu Barbie instead. At least she didn't piss me off. And if she did, I held the power... I could cut the bitch's hair.