Lonliness, Part 1

Life is unspeakably, relentlessly, bottomlessly lonely right now. A type of lonliness that has little or nothing to do with the number of friends on speed dial (pitifully few at present). The type that makes me desperately sad sad sad and lonely beyond definition of the word and relentlessly alone - Jesus, when did I last speak to another human who gave a shit about whether I bothered continuing to breathe? Alone - in a room full of people I still feel like a walker in a vast empty desert.

How do I change this part of my life? Is it even possible? Do I just want to be important to someone - even a single person - who cares enough to put in enough effort to find out who the real me is... what makes me tick (cuz, I've gotta tell ya - even I think they're pretty goddamn interesting... the complex, vastly unrelated and wildly unpredictable things that make me tick. Mind boggling really...)? Someone who asks the right questions -- and actually wants to hear my answers -- in a way that doesn't come on too strong, too scary so it turns me off. What if there really isn't a single human being out there who is ready to stop monopolizing the attention, the relationship (it's *not* all about you, around the clock, all the time, all the channels. Doesn't that narcissm get really fucking old after a while?!)? What if I never meet someone who bothers to notice any or all of the stupid little things that make me tick... happy and content (hah! As IF!) like handing me coffee I didn't have to buy or make myself in the morning... or that I prefer being looked directly in the eyes and listened to after soliciting my political views (and not just to start a fight)? Offering to draw a bath for me, using the jasmine-scented bubbles you've seen me use before, simply so you can experience the pleasure of washing my hair for me -- because you love it and not because it seemed like a good (albeit clumsy and transparent) ruse to get me naked and you laid. You'd be better off just straight up bribing me with a pan of Buca di Beppo tiramisu. That way you haven't ruined my enjoyment of having a bath drawn for me forevermore.

Maybe it's all of the heavy duty decisions I've had to make entirely on my own lately. It would have been less terrifying and isolating to have made the decision to move to LA with someone I trusted and felt more than mild ambivalence for -- because they respect, love and cherish me... or even just because I'm important to them for more than sex or picking out the proper tie and shoes in the morning.